Fickle Friend

I need friendship advice:

Doll sitting on a wooden chair

Competition for seating can be fierce at the friendship picnic.

I had been working with a woman who became a close friend for about a year. Years before, she had divorced the guy she married in high school, and had been single since. She had a great career and a couple of teenage kids living with her part time. Her ex-husband was a decent dad, but otherwise, they had nothing to do with each other. I had just broken up with a long-time boyfriend at the time, too, and so I guess we had plenty to commiserate about, but we also shared a lot of interests. I knew she had been lonely, and she felt humiliated by a guy she dated for a short while at work, who didn’t treat her very well.  Then she met a guy online who lived a couple hours away, who began courting her pretty seriously – long late night phone calls, visits, flowers. She told me about all these attentions, but never introduced him to me. She began spending more and more time with him, and eventually quit her job and moved to his town to live with him. Happy ending, correct? My problem is, I considered her a really good friend, and enjoyed her friendship, but since she met Mr. Right there’s been no contact.  She never calls me. I have never met her new man, and when I got her new number from someone and left a message for her, she never returned my call. I was included in one mass email she sent to everyone she knew here talking about how she’dmet the love of her life”. It’s hard for me to believe that she’d cut me off so completely – I thought we were the best of friends. I never felt angry about it, just sort of shocked and hurt, and I miss her company. I don’t know why she treated me this way, and I don’t know if there’s any way to rekindle the friendship. I just feel,


Dear Dumped,

By your own admission, your friend has already seen the seamy side of love enough times to know that people are fallible, and not always constant – even when they promise to be till death does them in! That goes for best friends, too. How many songs are there about my best friend’s girlfriend”? What you’re experiencing, dear, is the time-honoured strategy of dicing up competition before it gets on the field.  Consider yourself from her point of view: similar interests and freshly unattached. Alarm bells were going off in her head the minute you started grousing about your boyfriend, I’m sure. She met a new guy, and clearly, she did not want you waltzing into view to upstage her.

Lovers need a lot of room

If it helps at all, you’re not alone in being dumped by a friend in favour of a new love interest.  Friends routinely ditch friends for lovers. Research at the University of Oxford shows that on average, people shed one friend and one family member when they start a new romantic relationship.  Lovers take up a lot of room, and somebody has to make it. Looks like it was you in this case. Sending out a mass email about it all does seem a little extreme, I admit. Sounds like she had a few axes to grind with that cake mail list, but forgive her decision to board another ship and sail away. Ah, that beautiful bubble of newly minted love, when the whole rest of the world disappears from view. Remember that?

Love of her life

Take heart and be happy for her. It sounds like she was looking for an old-fashioned type after a recent stinging humiliation, and who can blame her? Flowers and late night phone calls sound pretty good, don’t they? No wonder she was determined to hang onto the ‘love of her life’ once she found him. She did the musical chairs analysis, Dumped, and I’m sorry, she got her ass in the seat before you did.

This entry was posted in General Angst, Love Life Advice, What's Your Problem and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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